| I was 18 years old and a freshman at the University a new acqauintance
had just joined me in the cafeteria for breakfast. She asked me if I was a Christian.
I figured it was something religious since she had just prayed prior to beginning
her meal.I answered,"I'm religious." She stated,"That's not what I asked, I
asked if you were a Christian." I replied that I didn't know. She never did explain to me what she meant, but this conversation sparked an interest in me to find out what a Christian was. So I got out a Bible that I had been given years earlier and started reading. After several months of Bible reading I was convinced that I wa not the person the pages talked about, nor could I live up to what it was telling me to do. That revelation caused me great anguish. A friend asked me to attend a church service where confession was being observed. I knelt there in the pew, and poured my heart out to the Lord. I let all the guilt and shame of an early childhood rape, the confusion I felt about my college life,the hurt over the anger, physical and emotional abuse in my family just pour out of me. I had been contemplating suicide, but thought that asking Jesus to be a part of my life would be a good thing to do before the attempt. I was amazed at the peace that flooded my heart at my request and how it felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my body and soul. I walked out of that church feeling like I was floating instead of walking. There was a song in my heart and it seemed to pour out of me. After that experience, I was amazed that my Bible reading became alive and felt like it was feeding my hungry heart and soul. Immediately my desire to abuse alcohol and drugs was gone, to the amazement of my brother. My college years were wonderful. My newly formed faith began to grow. I look back now and see God's provision even when I didn't know my need. He provided a wonderful church; I attended a campus ministry, had some wonderful Christian friends, and lived in two different Christian boarding houses. I saw a godly home and a stable family demonstrated for the first time. Also looking back, I see several dependencies I had with my college girlfriends and and the same pattern through my high school years.My last semester after I received a job offer in a big sity, I talked with a pastor friend about my deepest secret-my secret attraction to women-that didn't seem to change even though I was doing Christian things. He gave me some counsel, but I couldn't seem to grasp what he meant. I moved to this new city and a new job. My church and close friends were left behind. I found the adjustment difficult, but eventually I was attending a rather large church and became a regular at the young adult group. I befriended a girl, who was a daughter of missionaries. She seemed to have a lot of problems but was trying to work them out. I was also attracted to her but wouldn't admit it to anyone else or myself. As we spent more time together, I became infatuated with her and my attraction grew. There was a longing in my heart I couldn't explain One evening, at her apartment, she asked me to spend the night. I knew she meant more than just sleeping. There was an immediate struggle to say "yes" or "no," It felt like a battle raging in my soul. I said "Yes." I knew that something in me died spiritually but all the longing, attraction, and sexuality roared like a lion and drowned the small voice within that said,"This is not the way it should be."
Also by Gena Kelley The Cross: For Sinners and Those Sinned Against
|
